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[personal profile] farnam
I am 100% out of cope.

yesterday morning I thought I could cope, because I hadn't tried yet. I phoned work and asked to come back off sick leave - no more reason to stay out, if things aren't going to change. Work made an appointment for me to see occupational health for the 22nd to assess if I'm fit enough to come back. Yesterday I thought that was good, today I think there is no point going for that appointment. There is not a chance in hell.

Since I got home from the hospital wednesday night I've eaten twice - a pizza Susan bought for me, and a bean-burger in First Out last night, except I was too tired to eat the second meal, it kept going up my nose instead of down my throat as my throat spasamed instead of swalloing properly, and I just threw it up again.
I know I should eat, not in a hungry-hungry way, just in a logical 'eating is sensible' kind of way, but I cannot stand without the crutches long enough to open the tin of beans, or pop the toast in the toaster, so not eating becomes the easier option, and I know that can't be helping with the daily worsening weakness.

I got out of the hospital wednesday night, felt like death, and slept after the pizza. Yesterday I stayed in bed all day, and then headed out to the usual meet-up. Big mistake. even only 2 weeks ago it would have been the sensible thing to do. Yes, the yourney is hard, and takes me an hour and a half instead of half an hour that it should, but once I get there I can just sit down and have people bring me what I need. It actually is easier than cooking at home. The First Out staff are lovely and know me well. Except I couldn't get there. I just couldn't walk even the tiny short distances between tube conections. I ended up lying on the street, phoning friends and asking them to come and get me. I sat for an hour, tried to eat, and headed home. Except I ended up lying on the street within yards of the pub, and deciding that the 20 quid for a taxi was worth it, because it was that or an ambulance. I wasn't getting up again. Friends had to call the taxi, and the taxi driver had to pick me up and put me in it.

Thismorning I tried going to the shop accross the road for some urgently needed cat litter. The shop is right across the road from my house. it took me three quarters of an hour and I had to lie on my floor in the hallway and just shake when I got back.

This afternoon I had wanted to meet Conan for coffee somewhere in town, and thisevening I wanted to go to the gay kiss-in. Tomorrow I wanted to go to the Hat party. I'm profoundly realising that none of these things are options. Not unless I use taxies door to door, which I cannot afford.

But if I cannot travel from one place to another on a simple short journey that just involves sitting down and socialising at the other end, then how the FUCK am I going to get back to work? I feel profoundly angry right now, and all out of cope. Its probably good that my arms are too weak at the moment to lift a hammer, because if I could I'd smash the shit out of the universe. This is not fair!


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